I came across a chapter the book The Ten Basic Principles of Good Parenting
by Dr. Laurence Steinberg, called Help
Foster Your Child’s Independence. It immediately caught my eye because I
feel like growing up my father did just this, helped me to become an
independent thinker and woman. He points out many ways we can help our children
become independent adults but I will share what I have found to be the most
significant. As parents we can all agree that when we send our children into
the real world we will want them to be able to stand up for themselves, on
their own two feet, and make good choices.
Fathers
helping their children become independent people:
The
first suggestion Steinberg gives to parents, but specifically to dads is to
pick your battles. We all want our children to make good choices when we are
not around. Before a child can learn to do that, we must give them the tools to
do so. We need to give them the confidence that they can make choices on their
own while in the home. When we become parents we need to be okay with the
choices they choose that don’t have a lasting impact. An example would be which
movie to watch with his friends (within reason) or to leave the house in an
uncoordinated outfit, even wearing his hair longer than you would like. Things
like these will give our children the sense that they can make choices for
themselves. Hopefully by gaining this confidence they will be able to make the
right choice when it really matters. This is why we need to pick our battles
and not fight or argue with every detail that they decide for themselves.
Children gain a significant amount of their sense of independence from their
fathers so it’s important that dad’s don’t get on his children’s case about the
trivial things.
Another
reason why fathers are so important in children’s lives is because they can
help analytically think through a decision. Men, typically speaking, are
analytical thinkers and can help children see things through a less emotional
point of view. Although it is important that father’s don’t make all decisions
for his children, he can certainly help guide into a direction that is most
beneficial. An example of this would be helping his son or daughter decide
where to take a summer job, or where to apply to college. Yes, the decision is
ultimately up to the child, but a father can be persuasive and helpful.
Weighing out pros and cons, opportunity costs and providing a realistic sense
of reality. Consequences and what life will look like after decisions are made.
Steinberg
hones in on the importance of ones emotional development as a child through his
or her dad. It is important that our children truly understand that we are
there for them emotionally. This comes more naturally for mothers because
again, typically speaking, mothers are more nurturing and emotional. It is
important that daughters develop a sense of security that only a father can
provide through emotional security. The first relationship a girl ever has with
a man is with her father; this is where she will learn all the different temperaments
of a man. This is why it is it crucial for a father to be aware of his
daughters’ needs and emotions. Being able to get on her level, talk and relate
will set up a young girl for success when she is ready for various
relationships with men. It is equally as important for a father to teach his
son that men have emotions too, that as a man they are allowed to talk about
how they feel without degradation.
“Parents
are often unnecessarily directive when it comes to their children’s eating
habits, play preferences, friendships, and free time (Steinberg 119). The
author here is saying that we cannot micromanage our children. What difference
does it make if he eats his carrots before his chicken, or her and her friends
don’t follow all the rules to a game, or plays with the weird kid at school?
This goes back to choices; we must allow our children to make their own
decisions when they are relatively meaningless. Steinberg points out that this
is not only for the child sake but for the parents’ as well. Everyday tasks and
even recreation would become significantly less enjoyable if we were always
jumping down our children’s throats. He explains a rule of thumb, are you correcting
your child for your sake or the child’s? If we seriously consider this request
it would put an end to micromanaging, allowing children to explore their own
creativity more thoroughly.
The
last but certainly not the least important thing Steinberg suggests is to not
constantly tell your children “no”, for no good reason of course. He has a
checklist to consider when children ask permission on doing something. 1. Is
what my child wants to do dangerous? 2. Is what my child wants to do unhealthy?
3. Is what my child wants to do illegal or immoral? 4. Is what my child wants
to do likely to lead to trouble? And 5. If something goes wrong, are
irreparable or difficult to undo? If the answer to all these questions are no,
then he challenges us to say yes. We shouldn’t limit our children’s experiences
for no reason. It’s important that fathers allow their children to get out
there and face challenges, altercations and controversy. It may be in a
father’s instinct to protect his children from the world but without a wide
range of experiences and getting acquainted with combat they will never learn
to stick up for themselves, be who they are and voice their opinions.
