Fatherhood

I came across a chapter the book The Ten Basic Principles of Good Parenting by Dr. Laurence Steinberg, called Help Foster Your Child’s Independence. It immediately caught my eye because I feel like growing up my father did just this, helped me to become an independent thinker and woman. He points out many ways we can help our children become independent adults but I will share what I have found to be the most significant. As parents we can all agree that when we send our children into the real world we will want them to be able to stand up for themselves, on their own two feet, and make good choices.

Fathers helping their children become independent people:    

The first suggestion Steinberg gives to parents, but specifically to dads is to pick your battles. We all want our children to make good choices when we are not around. Before a child can learn to do that, we must give them the tools to do so. We need to give them the confidence that they can make choices on their own while in the home. When we become parents we need to be okay with the choices they choose that don’t have a lasting impact. An example would be which movie to watch with his friends (within reason) or to leave the house in an uncoordinated outfit, even wearing his hair longer than you would like. Things like these will give our children the sense that they can make choices for themselves. Hopefully by gaining this confidence they will be able to make the right choice when it really matters. This is why we need to pick our battles and not fight or argue with every detail that they decide for themselves. Children gain a significant amount of their sense of independence from their fathers so it’s important that dad’s don’t get on his children’s case about the trivial things.

            Another reason why fathers are so important in children’s lives is because they can help analytically think through a decision. Men, typically speaking, are analytical thinkers and can help children see things through a less emotional point of view. Although it is important that father’s don’t make all decisions for his children, he can certainly help guide into a direction that is most beneficial. An example of this would be helping his son or daughter decide where to take a summer job, or where to apply to college. Yes, the decision is ultimately up to the child, but a father can be persuasive and helpful. Weighing out pros and cons, opportunity costs and providing a realistic sense of reality. Consequences and what life will look like after decisions are made.

            Steinberg hones in on the importance of ones emotional development as a child through his or her dad. It is important that our children truly understand that we are there for them emotionally. This comes more naturally for mothers because again, typically speaking, mothers are more nurturing and emotional. It is important that daughters develop a sense of security that only a father can provide through emotional security. The first relationship a girl ever has with a man is with her father; this is where she will learn all the different temperaments of a man. This is why it is it crucial for a father to be aware of his daughters’ needs and emotions. Being able to get on her level, talk and relate will set up a young girl for success when she is ready for various relationships with men. It is equally as important for a father to teach his son that men have emotions too, that as a man they are allowed to talk about how they feel without degradation.

            “Parents are often unnecessarily directive when it comes to their children’s eating habits, play preferences, friendships, and free time (Steinberg 119). The author here is saying that we cannot micromanage our children. What difference does it make if he eats his carrots before his chicken, or her and her friends don’t follow all the rules to a game, or plays with the weird kid at school? This goes back to choices; we must allow our children to make their own decisions when they are relatively meaningless. Steinberg points out that this is not only for the child sake but for the parents’ as well. Everyday tasks and even recreation would become significantly less enjoyable if we were always jumping down our children’s throats. He explains a rule of thumb, are you correcting your child for your sake or the child’s? If we seriously consider this request it would put an end to micromanaging, allowing children to explore their own creativity more thoroughly.

            The last but certainly not the least important thing Steinberg suggests is to not constantly tell your children “no”, for no good reason of course. He has a checklist to consider when children ask permission on doing something. 1. Is what my child wants to do dangerous? 2. Is what my child wants to do unhealthy? 3. Is what my child wants to do illegal or immoral? 4. Is what my child wants to do likely to lead to trouble? And 5. If something goes wrong, are irreparable or difficult to undo? If the answer to all these questions are no, then he challenges us to say yes. We shouldn’t limit our children’s experiences for no reason. It’s important that fathers allow their children to get out there and face challenges, altercations and controversy. It may be in a father’s instinct to protect his children from the world but without a wide range of experiences and getting acquainted with combat they will never learn to stick up for themselves, be who they are and voice their opinions.

Non Verbal Communication

     In my marriage class we are talking about the importance of non verbal communication in relationships. There can be many miscommunications due to the interpretations of cues that are not portrayed correctly. A few examples are tone of voice, sarcasm, body language and facial expressions. These things are sometimes are hard to control when emotions are running high. This is what makes getting to know someone else's family difficult. You're trying to decode all the underlying social cues and what is deemed acceptable in conversation. With how our generation is progressing technologically we communicate more often in non face to face ways. The biggest was is through texting and over social media. There is now an entire texting etiquette. With emoticons trying to mimic interpersonal relationships.

Fidelity

     With the widespread use of technology our modern world has become desensitized and normalized to different types of infidelity. There is no longer just a physical or sexual affair. There are multiple ways to be unfaithful in a relationship and marriage. Fantasy is the one I want to focus on today. The idea of fantasy infidelity can be extremely damaging. There is a significant double standard in the idea of fantasy. It is socially acceptable for woman to obsess over fictional characters such as twilight and Christian Gray of 50 Shades of Grey. Women spend time reading, talking and thinking about these men without second thought. When women get together it is perfectly okay to watch chick flicks and get all riled up when Channing Tatum or Ryan Gosling takes his shirt off. 

     If we as women were to walk into a room full of our brothers, fathers and uncles watching and having similar conversations about women, we would be appalled. But more importantly, hurt. We need to recognize these behaviors in ourselves. Our mental fantasies can withdraw us from our husbands and marriage by being preoccupied with men that our husbands can never compare to. 

Sexual Intimacy

     This week in class we've been talking about sexual health and nature, as well as the differences between men and women. We as young adults need to be educated on topics such as these to be able to be realistic as we prepare for marriage. Expectations need to be realistic about sex and intimacy within the boundaries in marriage.
     The key to understanding your partner and being able to be sexually compatible is first and foremost, communication. We as Latter Day Saints don't engage in sexual activity until after we're married, so how do we know if we will have a sexually satisfying marriage? I think it's important to understand that a married couple has the rest of their lives to figure it out. Sure it will take effort, a few awkward conversations and maybe even tears. However if we preserve our bodies until after marriage it is then we are able to fully explore and understand our partners.
 

Relationships

We've been talking a lot about dating this week and how relationships begin. The first factor we all jump to is physical attraction, and yes this is extremely important and more often than not the initial reason two people begin a relationship. But we must not overlook propinquity. Having access to the person you are interested in is a key component in getting to know someone. There is only so far an online relationship can and will go. You must spend time with this person. Other than just this, if you are in close proximity as someone you are more likely to have similarities. For example if you meet at a country dance club, odds are you both like country music. Or if you meet at a ski resort, or at a cooking class, we have common ground.
People say that times have changed and that one in five relationships today begin online and that this is a great way to begin a romantic relationship. I would have to disagree. There is a book called "How to avoid falling in love with a Jerk" by Van Epp. He says that Time is one of the three components that are crucial to getting to know someone. You have to spend adequate time together. He explains that three months is the minimum to get to know important things about one other. The other is Togetherness. That you need a wide range of activities to be able to see your partner in a number of circumstances and how they conduct themselves.

Modern Day Dating

We've been talking a lot about dating this week and how relationships begin. The first factor we all jump to is physical attraction, and yes this is extremely important and more often than not the initial reason two people begin a relationship. But we must not overlook propinquity. Having access to the person you are interested in is a key component in getting to know someone. There is only so far an online relationship can and will go. You must spend time with this person. Other than just this, if you are in close proximity as someone you are more likely to have similarities. For example if you meet at a country dance club, odds are you both like country music. Or if you meet at a ski resort, or at a cooking class, we have common ground.
People say that times have changed and that one in five relationships today begin online and that this is a great way to begin a romantic relationship. I would have to disagree. There is a book called "How to avoid falling in love with a Jerk" by Van Epp. He says that Time is one of the three components that are crucial to getting to know someone. You have to spend adequate time together. He explains that three months is the minimum to get to know important things about one other. The other is Togetherness. That you need a wide range of activities to be able to see your partner in a number of circumstances and how they conduct themselves. The third is Talk. Both your partner and yourself must be willing to indulge in the same amount of information at the same rate. One partner that remains closed up while the other offers personal information it can cause an imbalance and leave the relationship feeling one sided.

Culture

     This week in class we have been talking about culture, values and judgement. It is important that we not pass judgement on other cultures. Without being in their shoes we have a hard time truly knowing what it would be like having to make the decisions they have to make.
     A great example I can think of is female circumcision practiced in many parts of the world, but specifically in West Africa. Women in Africa are circumcised by their mothers, older sisters and grandmothers usually around the age of 12 or shortly before puberty and the menstrual cycle begin. Most of their genitalia is cut off and their vaginas sown up. This is to ensure virginity until marriage. Although I do not agree with female circumcision, and taking all sexual pleasure out of a woman's life, who am I, or who are we to say they need to stop this practice?
     What if you were a mother of a young girl in Africa? Would you circumcise her? It is all too easy for us Westerners to quickly say no. But what if it meant your daughter would never be married if she wasn't? In most cultures in West Africa if a woman reaches marriage age and has not been circumcised they are viewed as dirty, unclean, a sexually deviant woman, but more hurtful, unmarriageable. If you knew you would never be able to marry off your daughter you may think twice about the traditions that are expected. A woman might even be upset with their mother for not making it a priority to follow the culture of the land.
     This may be an extreme example but all I'm provoking is we not be so quick to judge when we hear about other countries, or even our own, that value different things from our own views.